Numerologist Skot Jonz Picks the Next President

On Tuesday, Feb. 5, millions of Californians strode to the polls, casting their votes for the candidate whose message and platform encapsulated their own vision of a better tomorrow.

Suckers.

San Franciscan Skot Jonz has come up with a better way to pick a commander-in-chief. He has been distributing his 30-page pamphlet around city cafes and nail salons to spread the word — the word of numbers. Jonz is a numerologist; his pamphlet is titled "Picking a President by the Numbers."

"Of course I consider a candidate's platform and ideology valuable," Jonz told me. "But, as we all know, that is subject to change based on the whim of the candidates and who they may be wooing at the moment. The numerology cannot be changed, and I consider it as another source of information to make an informed decision."

Why, Jonz gripes in his pamphlet, does the media report poll numbers, fund-raising numbers, and delegate numbers, but not the really important numbers? You know, like the fact that Ron Paul's birth day and month (8/20/1935) add up to 28, 2 + 8 = 10, and 1 + 0 = 1, and 1 indicates strong leadership skills? Why doesn't Wolf Blitzer talk about that on The Situation Room?

Poring over 30 pages of hard-core numerology theory is not as fun or easy as reading a Harry Potter book, and, to paraphrase a Woody Allen quip, after 20 minutes a substance resembling guacamole began to trickle out of my ears.